self despise even more

Today I met a friend. Halfway talking she mentioned that I always talk about myself. She said I m self centered. It comes as a shock. I never thought of that as being self centered. One of my friend agreed that i do talk about myself but its ok to her as she is a listener. Maybe a lot of my friends also think that i m self centered just that they are nice and accept me as who am i m. I realise i m not only low moral and abnormal and violent but also self centered. I always wanted to be kind and help people. This seems to be opposite from being kind. So maybe all my kind acts are just a way to make myself feel i m kind but i m not kiind. Being self centered is just an additional bad character and my total marks i get for my charactor now is lower. I will try to not talk about mysekf when i m with my friends or lesser. Whichs means my you(means my blog) and my journel and Dr Cheng (my therapist) is the only 1 I can share with my life. But you and journel cant interact with me. Or maybe Phillips may read or one two more friends will read. Maybe I shd learn to keep things to myself and talk once a while to my friends. Or maybe i shd think more b4 i talk and hence talk lesser about myself. Nobody listens at home or even talks even my dog growls at me when i try to talk to him about things. I know I cant try to find life from friends. Although my friends are v nice, i cant expect so much about my friends. I can just try my best to not talk so much. Should be able to do it.

Tired...First deal had difficulty closing

Been feeling tired recently. Had been feeling sleeply and got no energy. Maybe I m tired of doing house work everyday and waking up early and sleeping late. Actually not very late. About 11pm but considered late for me. My first deal, my insurer cannot match one of the quotation so now got to wait for 1 of my friends to see if she could other better quotation for me. Although there are a few more quotations required its not easy as almost all are commerical vehicle insurance and these are hard as most insurers don take standalone. So its hard to be able to get one to quote. I managed to get the first client to consider switching noe of her policy to my insurer but insurer cant match the premium. Hopefully can close 1 dal soon. Although its not easy but I had some a few clients seeking quotations I think quite gd liao.

Got Quotation and Mum Feeling Better This Time Chemo

  I had a client asking for quotation for a commerical motor vehicle insurance and I managed to get them interested to get quotation for workmen compensation from the insurer I am trying to work with. Had send the information to an agent there who will help me get quotation for my clients. Although he will take part of the commission I am okay as he will also guide me on the way. The manager for business development there will let me know once they review their agents and then take me into their comapny. Also had one moree client asking for quotation for commerical motor vehicle insurance. She was not that nice compared to the first client. she didn't want to give me information on their claims record. She said will send me renewal today but she didn't. Had to call her tomorrow to remind her. After all there is some progress in my insurance career.

  Mum went for the second round of treatment and chemotherapy last Thur and since then she did not vomit although tere are times she keep rushing to the washroom. But the side effects seems better than the first time. This is because the Dr reduced the dose as she vomited a lot the previous time. She is still in pain. But seems better. Somehow I started getting used to seeing feeling unwell and don't let it affect me much. I also don't become over concern now as I know this will giv e her stress.

Mum Doing Chemo Now

Mum is not at National Cancer Center morning glory suite doing chemo. Wah so long. Need 3 hrs plus. She feels cold but now better. Dr said her potassum is low and too low can cause her heart to stop. Dr also said that she had too much vomiting and hence reduce some dosage. Been vomiting that's why low patassium level. A bit worried that she will be in another series of vomiting etc again. She seems ok. Hopefully she won't feel too bad. Will be until 8pm.

Me see skin Dr, Mum better

I am now at CGH clinic G waiting to see the skin Dr. There has been warts on my face and limbs. Despite various sessions of liquid nitrogen, it keep coming back. Hope it can go off soon. Mum feels better I think. She says sometimes not much pain but there are times when its v painful. She can't really eat and sleep. Just two weeks of doing chemotherapy, she lost weight. She sounds weak. Always lie on bed and don't have much energy. I have been doing the house work and sometimes quite tired. Exhausted. But still have to do. Now I understand how tired it is when she does house work last time and learned to appreciate her for that.

Mum feeling v pain

Mum just now came to my room. She looked at me depressed and in pain and said she is in great pain. How is life going to pass like that. I asked her what is she trying to say, she said nothing. I asked her if she will do anything foolish, she did not reply me. Somehow I feel that she feels tired of being in pain. But I hope she do not do anything foolish. I don't wish her to be in pain and it pains me to see that. But she should feel better I think as cancer cells get destroyed. But during chemotherapy she will feel terrible also. I tried not to cry and worried that it will make her feel worse.

Mum At A&E

Mum has been having pain and these few days it got worse. She had been in great and didn't really eat. She couldn't eat breakfast today and we decided to come to the hospital. Last few days I started having thoughts of how life would be after she pass away. Before grandma pass away I also had that. I worried as sometimes my six sense did come through. Now we are at the hospital. The Dr said most probably no need to stay unless x-ray shows somerhing wrong with stomach if not they will just do pain relief. For stage 4 cancer patients what they can do is to provide pain relief to lessen the pain till they go. My heart dripped with tears when I hear that. I was hoping that chemotherapy will be able to cure her but seems like it is only to prolong her life like what a lot of people says. I wanted to cry but worried that she will be upset when she sees it. I need to be strong but its so hard. My brother says I should not cry and be strong but its not easy. If I don't cry and bottle it up I might have mental breakdown. Then how to take care of both parents. I still need to work hard to pay my study loan. Mum is my guarantor. I don't want the bank to go after because I can't pay.

Mum In Pain

I woke up this evening and father told me mum is in great pain. It has been for 1 day since yesterday but she didn't tell me. My brother knew about it. Somemore when I was asleep she went to wash clothes. Why don't tell wake me up and tell me to wash or wait till I wake up. I am angry with myself for being insensitive and being so sleeply. I should have realise she is in pain and should not go and rest then I won't sleep. I always wanted to help with all housework but some times when I was resting or sleeping or out for a while she went to do. I know she feels bad when she can't do any work but I want to help her. Because today I was asleep my brother think I never help with house work but the fact is I did. He never seen me doing during weekday and think I never help.

Upset and worried

Everyday looking at my mother in pain amd vomiting etc, I feel sad and terrible. I don't understand why this kind of illness must fall on her. She is still so young and now she got to go through so much discomfort. Why can't it be me? If I am the one in pain, I think I will feel better compared to seeing her at pain. I am worried. Will she attempt suicide if she cannot take the discomfort. Will she die soon. All this make me scared. I cannot imagine not having her by my side. I am so dependent on her. .