Me see skin Dr, Mum better

I am now at CGH clinic G waiting to see the skin Dr. There has been warts on my face and limbs. Despite various sessions of liquid nitrogen, it keep coming back. Hope it can go off soon. Mum feels better I think. She says sometimes not much pain but there are times when its v painful. She can't really eat and sleep. Just two weeks of doing chemotherapy, she lost weight. She sounds weak. Always lie on bed and don't have much energy. I have been doing the house work and sometimes quite tired. Exhausted. But still have to do. Now I understand how tired it is when she does house work last time and learned to appreciate her for that.

Mum feeling v pain

Mum just now came to my room. She looked at me depressed and in pain and said she is in great pain. How is life going to pass like that. I asked her what is she trying to say, she said nothing. I asked her if she will do anything foolish, she did not reply me. Somehow I feel that she feels tired of being in pain. But I hope she do not do anything foolish. I don't wish her to be in pain and it pains me to see that. But she should feel better I think as cancer cells get destroyed. But during chemotherapy she will feel terrible also. I tried not to cry and worried that it will make her feel worse.

Mum At A&E

Mum has been having pain and these few days it got worse. She had been in great and didn't really eat. She couldn't eat breakfast today and we decided to come to the hospital. Last few days I started having thoughts of how life would be after she pass away. Before grandma pass away I also had that. I worried as sometimes my six sense did come through. Now we are at the hospital. The Dr said most probably no need to stay unless x-ray shows somerhing wrong with stomach if not they will just do pain relief. For stage 4 cancer patients what they can do is to provide pain relief to lessen the pain till they go. My heart dripped with tears when I hear that. I was hoping that chemotherapy will be able to cure her but seems like it is only to prolong her life like what a lot of people says. I wanted to cry but worried that she will be upset when she sees it. I need to be strong but its so hard. My brother says I should not cry and be strong but its not easy. If I don't cry and bottle it up I might have mental breakdown. Then how to take care of both parents. I still need to work hard to pay my study loan. Mum is my guarantor. I don't want the bank to go after because I can't pay.

Mum In Pain

I woke up this evening and father told me mum is in great pain. It has been for 1 day since yesterday but she didn't tell me. My brother knew about it. Somemore when I was asleep she went to wash clothes. Why don't tell wake me up and tell me to wash or wait till I wake up. I am angry with myself for being insensitive and being so sleeply. I should have realise she is in pain and should not go and rest then I won't sleep. I always wanted to help with all housework but some times when I was resting or sleeping or out for a while she went to do. I know she feels bad when she can't do any work but I want to help her. Because today I was asleep my brother think I never help with house work but the fact is I did. He never seen me doing during weekday and think I never help.

Upset and worried

Everyday looking at my mother in pain amd vomiting etc, I feel sad and terrible. I don't understand why this kind of illness must fall on her. She is still so young and now she got to go through so much discomfort. Why can't it be me? If I am the one in pain, I think I will feel better compared to seeing her at pain. I am worried. Will she attempt suicide if she cannot take the discomfort. Will she die soon. All this make me scared. I cannot imagine not having her by my side. I am so dependent on her. .

Deep in thoughts

This is the only place that I think I can voice out my cries inside. It is confimed stage 4 of cancer. Why can't it be me?
Life has never been good and I had already been so terrible in life. My friend said what I had gone through can be written in a book already...Seeing my friends living very well, how much I envy...But I always tell myself they also had their own problems just that I did not know...I been crying...Had a chance to talk to Dr Cheng but I din go as my whole body aches prob because of thr fall...Its so heavy on my heart...Not everybody understand...Two patients at home plus me 3...and I cannot be sick as there are people for me to take care...So I must Jia You...